I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize