After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Randomize
