Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
