i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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