Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
