In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Randomize
