i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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