a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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