First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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