you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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