I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
