How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
Randomize
