She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
