OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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