I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
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