wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
