life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
this hospital has no fireball
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
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