I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Randomize
