i permit you to call me
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Randomize
