She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
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