How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
