I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
