I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize