My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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