just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I cut my penus on the lid.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
