Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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