i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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