I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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