I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Randomize
