Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
