The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
