She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
