He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
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