I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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