I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
Randomize
