I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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