Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Randomize
