I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
