No stitches, just platelets and will power
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
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