Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
he had hair everywhere except his balls
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Randomize
