i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Randomize
