Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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