if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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