so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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