Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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