shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
