Where is the hickey?
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize