It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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