the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
