Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
