dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
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