I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Randomize
