he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
